


a collection of all my oneshots i guess

by fucken_moron



Category: The Centricide (Webseries)
Genre: Multi, dude idk, im so shit at tagging
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:01:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23997187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fucken_moron/pseuds/fucken_moron
Summary: i decided to put some of my oneshots that aren't smut all in one work because when i see works: 7 in my dashboard it makes me cringe
Relationships: Authleft/Libleft i think maybe a little, Authright/Libright, authright/libleft
Comments: 5
Kudos: 57





	1. girls doing girl things you know microwaving hamsters and shooting each other it's girl stuff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they're girls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made this because of numbers? i guess  
> i don't like the number 7   
> also why would i write 7 of these  
> it's technically more than 7 but you get it  
> i guess i'll miss the comments that were on all my fics   
> that's the only downside   
> but numbers dude im a simple man 7 bad all numbers less than 7 good

Ancap found herself outside of Ancom’s bedroom, kicked out of the ‘nap party’ they normally held on overcast days. All because she made an unfunny double entendre about it. Well, she thought it was funny. 

She followed the sound of the TV to the living room. Nazi was watching a  _ Barbie movie  _ again. Ancap could only guess that she watched them for nostalgic purposes, but that didn’t make it any better. 

The authoritarian was wearing a white T-shirt and baby blue pajama pants. It was pretty rare to see her dressed casually like this. At least her hair was a constant, always in two neat braids. 

“Nazi.” She called out.

“What?”

“Can I play with your hair?”

“Why? Are you six? That sounds like something a six year old would say. Actually, I’m positive someone asked me that when I was six.”

Ancap rolled her eyes. “You’re watching a Barbie movie.”

“How could I not? Barbie is everything I aspire to be: blonde haired, blue eyed, married to a blonde haired, blue eyed chad--”

“Oh my god. Please shut the fuck up. You’re giving me a headache!”

“It was your fault for asking.” Nazi crossed her arms.

“Of course it is.” Ancap sat down next to her and started unbraiding her hair. 

“What are you doing?”

“Playing with your hair.”

“I didn’t say you could. What if I don’t want your greasy, degenerate fingers in my hair?”

“Just shut up and watch your movie.”

Nazi sighed. It felt nice, but Ancap’s presence is always annoying. She either dressed like a business woman from the 80’s or a hypebeast, and both were equally obnoxious. And, something about the fact that Ancap was wearing socks with her Gucci slides was keeping her from enjoying her favorite poorly animated cgi princess movie.

“You’re not wearing real silk.”

“What?”

“Your pants.”

“What?”

“They’re not made of real silk.”

“Who gives a shit?”

“You have the personality of someone who microwaves hamsters.”

“What does that have to do with silk?”

“Nothing.”

“God, I hate you. You’re wearing cargo pants.”

“Sexy cargo pants.”

Nazi decided not to respond to that.

“You need to redye your hair. Your roots are coming in.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“That’s because you cover it up with your stupid hat. Why do you bleach your hair? Is it because you’re afraid of looking like a J--”

Nazi shot up and pulled her gun out of her pocket. “No, fuck off!”

Ancap smiled smugly and pulled two guns out of her ‘sexy’ cargo pants. “You should not have aggressed.”

“What the hell did you just say? Have you been rehearsing that? Fucking goddammit.” 

“You’re just mad because you think that having brown hair makes you look like a Jew.”

Nazi proceeded to fill the room with her unholy screeching. Ancap mostly laughed at her. She only stopped laughing at her when Commie and Ancom walked into the room and watched the two rightists point guns at each other.

Commie hit Nazi in the back of the head. She stopped screeching, so that was a success. “Kulak, what are you two doing?” She asked Ancap.

“Having a friendly conversation.”

“Can you shut the fuck up? It’s like 6 a.m.” Ancom crossed their arms.

“Ancom, it’s 3 in the afternoon.”

“I don’t like watches. Time is a spook. Just shut the fuck up.”

“I fucking hate egoists.” Nazi said.

“Dude, your hair looks like a soggy package of ramen noodles. Don’t fucking talk to me.”

“Yes. Why does your hair look like that, Nazi?” Commie asked.

“I told you, we were hanging out before you rudely interrupted us.” Ancap said, gesturing to the TV.

“Barbie is one of the shittiest things to come out of capitalism. Matel uses a watered down version of feminism just to sell toys that perpetuate unrealistic body standards, and every movie is made for the sole purpose of selling more toys. They probably outsource the animation so they can pay less and less to make them. Have you noticed that they’re all shit, Nazi? Have you noticed that all Barbie movies fucking suck? It’s because they’re most low effort shitty movies in existence because six year olds and people with weird unhealthy complexes like you will eat them up like there’s no tomorrow because--”

“Okay, comrade. You can shut up now.”

“Those are fighting words, Ancom. You can’t fucking disrespect Barbie. You  _ don’t  _ fucking disrespect Barbie or else you’ll be eating my bullets for breakfast.”

“I’ll fucking vore your bullets! Shoot me! Do it! I fucking dare you!”

_ Vore. _

Nazi was practically foaming at the mouth. Commie hit her in the back of the head again. Ancom was smiling like a smug asshole. Ancap rubbed her temples. 

This wouldn’t be happening if she didn’t get kicked out of that stupid nap party. __


	2. ancom and nazi eat cap'n crunch and watch Dorbees - Making Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dude you read the title  
> i don't know why i wrote this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got frozen grapes let's rock and roll

Nazi was uh pretty fucking angry. 

It was four in the morning, and he couldn’t sleep because of the unholy sounds coming from the kitchen. He was tired, figuratively and literally, of waiting for them to end. He left the warmth of his bed and walked down the hallway. 

_ Of course. _

Upon walking into the kitchen, Nazi found the source of his problem. The shitty SJW was pouring Cap’n Crunch into their mouth. Straight out of the box. It was like they were drinking a glass of water except it was an entire box of sugary cereal with the worst mascot ever. 

_ Seriously. It’s the worst cereal mascot.  _

Nazi cleared his throat to get the leftist’s attention. 

“Oh, hey Nazi.” Ancom spoke with their mouth full of that abomination that called itself cereal.

Nazi cringed. “Can you be quiet? Some of us are trying to sleep.”

“You know Ancap doesn’t sleep, and Tankie is already awake. Y’know, like some kind of maniac.  _ I’m  _ trying to eat this box of cereal. If you don’t like it, you can leave.” Ancom said the last sentence with a smirk.

Nazi sighed. “What happened to being tolerant and inclusive?”

“Uh huh,” they rolled their eyes. “Well, if you help me finish it, you’ll be able to go back to sleep.”

“Why do you have to finish the entire box?”

“It expires tomorrow. It’s bad to waste food. Y’know--”

“I’ll just stop you there. Fine. Whatever. I’ll eat your cereal. Just be quiet.”

The two sat in the light of the TV while Ancom shoveled like a starving possum Cap’n Crunch into their mouth and Nazi struggled to eat it at a normal pace. They were watching Killer Bean, of course. What would they watch at four a.m. except for Killer Bean. The answer is Dorbees - Making Decisions. Which is what they started watching after finally finishing that god awful cereal. 

The crudely animated 3D models and the horrible voice acting coupled with Nazi’s drowsiness was turning it into a hellish experience. Ancom seemed to enjoy it. 

“Ancom, what the hell is this?”

“My favorite show.”

“For some reason I don’t believe that. It’s so… biblical.”

“I like it ironically.”

“That only makes it worse.”

“Whatever. Why are you still here? I thought you were tired or something.”

“You made me eat that cereal. It’s so sugary. It’s your fault, you know. If it wasn’t for you, I’d be asleep by now.”

“I didn’t make you do anything.”

Nazi huffed and decided to change the topic. “Why don’t you get any hobbies? All you do is laze around all day, eating your shitty cereal that was no doubt made by (((them))). And oh sweet mother of Julius Evola what the fuck is happening?!” He was distracted by the eldritch horrors on the screen.

Ancom was laughing hysterically like a drunken hyena even though Nazi was pretty sure they were sober. 

“ARE THEY FUCKING DANCING?? ANCOM WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE WATCHING?? WAS THIS ANIMATED IN CHERNOBYL WHAT THE HELL??”

“Dude. Be quiet, the good part is coming up.”

“What do you mean the good part?”

Ancom began to recite the scene word for word, entirely by memory. It was scarily accurate. All Nazi could do was watch in horror as he was completely speechless, absolutely enamoured by Ancom’s ability to recite the song the two brightly colored orbs on the screen were singing. There was no way that Ancom has only watched Dorbees - Making Decisions one or two times. To do something like this, they must have watched it countless times. Far too many times for a real person. 

Nazi was angry at himself for not interrupting them before they finished. He was just as shocked as when they first started. He could no longer look at the screen. 

Ancom was still laughing as if his pain was somehow amusing. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you do that? Is this your only hobby? Have you been waiting for you entire life just to torture me with  _ that?  _ What the hell was that?”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“Ancom, this is absolutely unwatchable. Do you have brain damage from watching this? At least Killer Bean was cool. Killer Bean was badass. Not this. I can feel my organs shutting down. What the hell is this?”

“Calm down. It’s almost over.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that I have one foot in the fucking grave. Watching that took ten years off my life. All the text was in Comic Sans, Ancom. Comic fucking Sans. I can’t sleep after seeing that. My life is flashing before my eyes.” 

“Well, now you’re just being overdramatic.”

“You’re underdramatic, you moron. I bet you made this. I bet your gay ass, high on who knows what, sat down for fourteen hours and animated this atrocity and voice acted the entire thing by yourself.”

“Thanks.”

“That wasn’t a fucking compliment.” Nazi was practically foaming at the mouth when he left.

“Nazi and I grew a little closer today.” Ancom said sarcastically. 

“Fuck off!” This house was going to be the death of him.


	3. ancom loses a bet and kisses a fascist what the fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> self indulgent trash i wrote at 2 a.m.  
> it's just fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i do what i want  
> i can't do anything productive so i'll do whatever i want  
> debate me in the comments i'll destroy u with facts and logic  
> benjamin shrekpiro

Ancom lost a bet. 

They were normally okay with losing bets, but losing a bet  _ Nazi _ was worse than losing a normal bet. 

They couldn’t even remember what it was about.  _ Eggs or something. Eggs? _ It doesn’t matter. 

“Ugh.” 

It wasn’t  _ that  _ bad. It was just wearing a uniform that stood for everything they hated. Uniforms were bad in general, but one of  _ Nazi’s  _ uniforms? Awful! 

When they lost, he said something about degeneracy or making them less of a degenerate? Something like that. When was the last time they were sober? Their memory shouldn’t be this bad. 

“Ugh!” They groaned again while they looked at their reflection in the mirror. As much as Ancom wanted to, they couldn’t stay in their room forever. 

They eventually left and went to the living room.  _ Ah shit. It’s him.  _

Nazi smiled smugly when his eyes met Ancom’s. They realized how much they really hated his eyes. They were like an ocean that was far too calm, almost stagnant, as if a storm was coming. To put things simply, Nazi’s eyes were like a bad omen. 

“You look better. Less homeless.” 

“Uh huh.” They grumbled. 

“You almost look respectable.”

“Sure…” Ancom wasn’t really sure where this was going.

“Maybe,” Nazi paused. “I will try to get to know you better.”

Ancom knew that this was probably part of some weird plan to humiliate them for Nazi’s weird fetish or whatever, but they decided to play along anyway. “What do you want to know?” 

The identitarian rolled his eyes. “I don’t know. Just tell me something about yourself.”

“I took French in high school.”

“That’s fucking boring. Can you still speak it?"

“Je vais te battre à mort.” 

“God, I hate the French.”

“Of course you do.”

“Degenerates are much more boring than I thought.” 

“Do you have anything else to say?”

Nazi stood up from the couch and looked Ancom up and down. “I’m surprised that my uniform fits you. You know, considering your height.” 

Ancom lined up their hand with their hairline as if they were going to compare their height with Nazi’s, but he hit them in the forehead instead. “You’re only two inches taller than me.”

Nazi frowned. “Whatever.”

“Do you wanna go to 7-11?”

“Why would I do anything with you? Also, do you have no concept of time? It’s one in the morning.”

“I’m out of alcohol, and I wanna get crossfaded.”

“What does your degeneracy have to do with me?”

“Because you secretly like me.”

“I don’t.”

“Whatever.” They grabbed Nazi’s hand and lead him out of the house and smiled a little when he didn’t immediately pull his hand away. 

The walk to 7-11 was a short one.

“I can’t believe I let you kidnap me. Convenience stores are always filled with the scum of the earth at this time of night.” Nazi grumbled.

“That’s why it’s fun.” Ancom said, stuffing a pair of cheap sunglasses in their pockets as they walked by them. They paid for their alcohol, and the two left the store. 

“Why did you steal sunglasses?”

“They’re kinda sick.” Ancom said, putting them on. 

“Can you even see in those? It’s the middle of the night.”

“Nah, dude. I can’t see shit.”

Nazi sighed. “Why do I even ask?”

When the two got back to the Centricide house, Ancom hopped on the couch and dug through their pockets and took out the joints and the lighter they had stuffed in there earlier that day. 

“Why would you put that in  _ my  _ pockets? Did you forget that you’re wearing my clothes?”

“It’s your fault. Wasn’t this bet your idea?”

“No. You stumbled into the kitchen at 10 a.m. and grabbed an egg and you said something along the lines of, ‘Dude, I saw this video of a dog with an egg in its mouth and it didn’t break and I’m way cooler than a dog. I could do that.’ And I said, ‘Ancom, don’t do that. You’re not smarter than a dog.’ And, you said, and I quote, ‘Fucken bet!’ And then you put the egg in your mouth and immediately crushed it in your mouth.”

“Oh. Sick.” Ancom let out a puff of smoke and handed Nazi the joint. 

“I will not be participating in such acts of--”

“Degeneracy. Whatever. Just do it and shut up.” 

Nazi shook his head, but he complied anyway even though he just ended up coughing. 

“Y’know, Nazi. You’re not that bad.” 

“Uh huh.” He said, rolling his eyes. “Then, why do you keep calling me Nazi. It’s not my preferred name. I thought you would respect that, you know, with your preferred pronouns or whatever.”

“I take back what I said.” 

Ancom and Nazi spent a few hours on the couch. Nazi was just lying down, while Ancom was almost upside down with their legs hanging off of it. They were watching some shitty reality TV show that Ancom liked. Nazi hated it. It was kind of funny because he was drunk and high, but Ancom was able to recite some of the scenes completely from memory and that was just too much. 

“Ancom, why do you watch this shit?”

“It’s funny.”

“It’s not. It’s like the bachelor but worse.”

“That’s what makes it fun to watch.” Ancom slid off the couch like a feral raccoon in a human’s body and sat in front of Nazi with their faces only inches apart.

“What are you doing?” Nazi said with a small laugh. It was weird to see someone else wearing his uniform. It was like he was looking in a mirror but like a funhouse mirror that turned him into an SJW with unruly hair. 

“Fascists can have a little kiss as a treat.” Ancom said, giving him a soft kiss.

Nazi sighed and looked away. “I don’t understand you at all.”

“It’s okay. You’re not that bad, Authright.” 

Nazi frowned. This dumbass was going to turn him into a Homonationalist. 

kill me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no concept of time so it's always 2 a.m. but i am actually writing this at two am  
> time is a spook anyway  
> i find myself becoming increasingly gay. is that radicalization? before i started watching jreg heffley i was barely a progressive but now im an anarcho-communist with anprim and egoist characteristics and that's fucking cringe babeyyyyyy
> 
> please kill me  
> this is not a joke
> 
> (that was the original end note on this fic it's just so funny i don't want to change it. i just wrote this because nazi uniforms are fucking sick dude)


	4. nazi gets BLASTED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the gang gets high

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm almost 99% sure "blasted" isn't a synonym for high, but i think it's funny.

"Why would I want to get high with you? I'd rather be playing Call of Duty." Nazi made a few unnecessary hand gestures while he questioned the two anarchists on the couch in front of him. 

"It'll be fun." Ancom answered. 

"And, I won't even charge you. Seeing what you're like when you're high will be more than enough payment." Ancap had a smug look on his face as usual. 

"Why not make Commie get high with you?" Nazi crossed his arms. 

"Tankie is busy right now."

"Well, I'm busy right now." 

"Yeah, busy getting high with us." 

Nazi sighed and sat on the couch with the anarchists. "Fine." 

Ancom handed him what looked like a square piece of paper or maybe a really small stamp. 

"Am I supposed to eat this?" Nazi was half disgusted and half confused, but 13% of him was somewhat excited. 

"Like this." Ancom put one on his tongue and closed his mouth. They smiled when they watched Nazi do the same. 

Ancap took a tab, too. "Ancom, you probably shouldn't mix weed with this."

Ancom was already taking a hit from their bong. "Whatever. I've done it before."

"Wait. We didn't just do a weed?" Nazi was very confused.

Ancap laughed. "No, Nazi. We didn't just 'do a weed.' That was LSD." 

Nazi has never engaged in degeneracy like this, and he was actually kind of disappointed in himself. 

"Would it be overkill to get drunk, too?" Ancom asked while he stole a bottle of Commie's cheap vodka from the kitchen.

"Ancom, I like your spirit, but we really shouldn't be mixing this stuff."

Ancom was already drinking and passed the bottle to Nazi, who hesitantly took a drink. 

"Whatever happens can't be that bad." Ancom smiled.

"I hope so."

* * *

"What are we?" Nazi was staring at the ceiling. It was swirling into an intricate pattern that he couldn't remember the name of. 

"What?" Ancap was holding the empty bottle. 

"What are we? Are we alive? Can we die? We're not human." 

"Of course we can die," Ancom replied, "we've been killing the centrists."

"Yes, but it's not like we're real people. I mean we can change our entire identity, does that mean we died? We can even radicalize the Centrists, too. Does that mean they died? Were we born as ideologies?"

"I don't think so. I remember doing LSD when I was twelve. That means I was a kid once. Maybe it's like a Jesus sort of thing?" Ancom shrugged.

"I'm Jesus?" Nazi looked at them.

"You're Nazi Jesus." Ancom cupped Nazi's face in their hands. 

"I'm Nazi Jesus."

"Wasn't Jesus Jewish?" Ancap looked at the two. 

"Jesus was a Jew." Ancom spoke with surprise. 

"Jesus was a Jew?" Nazi spoke with disappointment.

"Jesus was a Jew." Ancap spoke with amusement.

"Nazi is a Jew." Ancom said with a chuckle.

"Nazi is a Jew!" Ancap was laughing. 

"I'm a Jew?" Nazi buried his face in his hands. 

"He's a Jewish Nazi!" Ancap couldn't stop laughing.

"He _is_ a Jewish Nazi!" Ancom joined him.

"Jewish Nazi! Jewish Nazi!" The two chanted like children. 

"Wait a second." Nazi thought for a second. "I'm not a Jew!"

Ancap gasped. "He's right." 

"Then, he can't be Jesus."

"Then, what am I?" 

"Hmmmmmmmmm..." Ancom slid off the couch and onto the floor. "Maybe we died and were reincarnated as ideologies." 

"I don't remember dying." Ancap chimed in. "I think I would." 

"I hope I was cool when I died." Ancom yawned. 

"I bet a cop beat you to death. You probably deserved it." Nazi smiled.

"Of course! Cops are bastards! No gods, no masters! All cops are bastards!" Ancom flailed their arms. 

"No, they're not." Nazi scoffed. 

"Of course you like cops, bootlicker." 

"I've never licked a boot."

"I bet you have, bootlicker." 

"Ancom, I've never licked a boot, and I will never lick a boot." 

"I'm pretty sure you have and you would." 

"Okay, no. Fuck it! I'm going to lick a boot! Fuck you!" 

Ancom cheered. 

Ancap was more confused than anything, but he was amused, so it was okay. 

"Give me one of your boots, Ancom." Nazi stood up.

"Nazi, I don't want to kinkshame you, but licking boots is pretty gross. There's no fucking way I'd let you lick one of my boots."

"Give me your boot, Ancom!"

"No! Lick someone else's boot!" 

"You're the only one in the room with boots. Ancap doesn't wear boots." 

Ancap nodded. "Only statists and the working class wear boots." 

"Lick your own fucking boots!" 

"I can't just lick my own boots!" Nazi slowly approached Ancom. 

"Get the hell away from me!" Ancom scrambled to their feet. 

"Give me your boot!"

"Fuck no!" Ancom didn't have their bat nearby, so they used what was closest to him. They pried the empty vodka bottle from Ancap's arms and smashed it on Nazi's head. 

"Ancom!" Ancap shouted. "Did you just violate the NAP?!" 

Ancom dropped what remained of the bottle on the floor. "Nope. Nothing happened. I need a broom." 

Commie walked into the living room and looked over it with pure disappointment. "You got high and murdered the Nazi?" 

"No, I got high and knocked out the Nazi. He's still very much alive... if we are alive." Ancom started sweeping up the shards of glass on the floor. 

"He's Jesus. Maybe he'll be resurrected." Ancap added. 

"Yeah. Maybe you're right, Ancap. Maybe you're right." Ancom shed a single tear. 

"I'm not fucking dead! Do you know what I actually am?! BLEEDING! MY HEAD IS BLEEDING! THERE IS GLASS IN MY HEAD! THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU LET ME PLAY CALL OF DUTY!" 

"Oh, Nazi!" 

Laugh track.

End credits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FUCKING ORIGINALLY POSTED THIS IN FEBRUARY AND GUESS WHAT I DID  
> JEWISH NAZI  
> FUCKING PREDICTED CENTRICIDE 6   
> FUCKING BIG BRAIN SHIT DUDE


End file.
